THIS AREA RESERVED FOR DEDICATED GOLFS ONLY!

by Doug McAllister

Golf has become a pathetic business networking dodge all over the planet, as corporate types gather on courses to schmooze each other, their clients and anyone else who might get caught in the crossfire! Sad, really. But, nonetheless, all too true. Golf in far too many circles has become nothing but a write off. Nothing more than a hollow fashion statement.

Why not just go some place at eat? Everyone pretty much knows how to eat and it's a rare problem when someone misses their mouth because of a too much of a slice being applied when trying to get their food from their fork to their mouths!

Why does it have to be golf? Golf is arguably the hardest game on the planet so why subject coworkers and clients to the humiliation? And if it has to be a physical activity, why not start some interest in corporate bowling outings? How about bocci? The alternatives seem endless.

But apparently is has to be golf. But it kills me that people come together to participate in an activity that they have no intention of really pursuing.

Case in point. This morning, while practicing putting at a "premier" local course, I happened to listen in on a conversation among the sort that I am discussing here. The conversation lasted a good 15 minutes and, in that time, guess how many references were made to golf? Yup, the big fat goose egg. NONE!

Oh, the conversation was brisk. Never stopping. They discussed the travel plans of one colleague. They discussed new product releases. They discussed promotions. They discussed corporate politics. They even discussed the venue for an upcoming corporate Christmas party. But not one of them cared enough about the game to say one word about anything golf-related.

They had come to play golf, right? I quickly glanced over my shoulder. Four golfers. Four set of clubs. Two golf carts. Each was wearing a brand new golf glove. Must be here to golf. Surely one of them would drop a few balls on the putting green—where I was the sole putter—and try to get ready for the round. Nope!

And then a thought struck me. Why not allow the corporate outings to come to the course and not play — just network? Eureka! Surely I was on to something big! Let them go through the motions and put on brand new golf gloves and wear really expensive golf apparel and act like they wanted to play — just don't require them to! Charge them the very same green fees. After all, part of the charade is forking over the bucks, especially at really-ultra-cool-premium golf courses.

Naturally, this "Corporate Round" would be able to be "played" in a third of the time that a normal real round would. And a new scoring system could be implemented for the proceedings. Three business cards placed in less that 15 minutes would constitute a birdie, while four would be an eagle. No cards placed or spending more than ten minutes on the cell phone in any given stretch would constitute a bogey. Marshals would have the option of throwing anyone off the course who spent more that fifteen continuous minutes on a call. Longest drive would be awarded to the participant who not only placed a card but closed a sale as a result! Closest to the hole would be awarded to anyone who secured a job interview during the course of the "round" while a "hole-in-one" would be awarded for getting hired right then and there!

It would be fun!

This would have the added benefit of allowing real golfers to access the links. And, since the corporate klatch will be paying green fees, the rates for those of us who really want to play will be less exorbitant!

Okay...so it's not really realistic. But you can't fault me for trying.

HELAS!