THE TIG-EROR'S NEW CLOTHES

by Doug McAllister

Tiger is coming back and the whole world his happy. Children are preceding his every step, tossing rose petals in his way. The birds sing happily in the trees and the magnolias sway gracefully in Augusta's fair spring breezes! It's absolutely perfect, isn't it?

There's just one problem: like the Emperor from Hans Christian Andersen's timeless fable, Tiger, figuratively speaking, is as naked as the day that he was born. The problem is that none of us wants to admit it.

No, he's not literally naked! That's why I said "figuratively."

So, what do I mean? Quite simply I am tired of all of the hullabaloo about Tiger. I am one of those who feels that his supposed contributions to the game of golf are suspect at best. What, really, has Tiger brought to the game? I ask it simply. What has he really brought to the game? How has he made it better?

HERE COME THE TIGER TRASH!
First, he has brought, by bad example and by his movie star presence, a whole bunch of golfers who really aren't prepared to play the Royal & Ancient game as it should be played. Oh, sure, they have all of the necessary equipment and accessories. They have the wherewithal to pay greens fees. What they lack is any sense of the history of the game or of its etiquette. They tramp around the course whooping and hollering, leaving tracks in sand traps and divots in fairways. They march onto the course and think that all there is to golf is hitting a little white ball from a little white peg and BOOM! they are just like Tiger! My son has appropriately dubbed this breed of golfers Tiger Trash, golfers who wouldn't have anything to do with golf if it weren't for Tiger!

Now, am I saying that golf is exclusive and that some deserve to play while others don't? Absolutely not! What I am saying, though, is if you want to play the game, learn something about its history and rules and etiquette before heading to the course. You will enjoy it more and so will all of those who are there with you on the course!

NEW EQUIPMENT EVERY YEAR!
As strange as it may seem to some, there was a time, not too very long ago, when people actually played a set of golf clubs for as many as twenty years! What a revelation! I can hear the wailing among the Tiger Trash as I write! Yes, people actually bought well-made golf clubs and actually played them for years. They were not told, as we are now, that one's golf game will be better — far better! — by simply changing clubs every year just like Tiger does. Believe it or not, people used to actually buy golf shoes and wear them until they were appropriately worn out too!

Tiger has been a marketing godsend. Yep, I blame Tiger for the mentality that now pervades golf that one should change clubs and shoes and golf balls like one should change his or her underwear. Do it daily. It's good for the game!

No wonder there is such fear in the hearts of PGA executives and of tournament sponsors when Tiger, suffering for this week's hangnail, won't be in the field. The fear is almost paralyzing that fans won't watch. And if people don't watch, they won't be seduced to hurry off and find the latest golf paraphernalia that Tiger and others are stumping. If such is the case, Heaven forbid, mass terror may ensue. Sales may drop. People may make due with the equipment they bought just last week. And, worst of all, a tear may form in the space/time continuum and all life on earth with explode at the speed of sound and cease to exist!

SEEING THE TIG-EROR FOR WHAT HE IS
Okay, enough already. While he has broken records, right and left, Tiger is not the resplendent Emperor of Golf that too many have tried to make him. Tiger is just one golfer and one who, in this writer's humble opinion, will likely be the sort of sports history entry now enjoyed by the likes of Barry Bonds. There will be, given revelations of his recent indiscretions, unsavory footnotes that will follow him forever. There is nothing sport-shattering about him. Yes, he has won and will continue to win — just as Bonds continued to hit home runs long after doubts about his real contributions were raised.

THE MASTERS IS THE MASTERS—WITH TIGER OR NOT!
And please don't forget that the Masters Championship will continue to be the jewel that it is with or without Tiger. I rather think that this year's event—especially if Tiger manages to win it—is already the poorer for the sideshow that has ensued with Tiger's return. I am one of those golfers that believes that, if Tiger had any respect for the game, he would have chosen one of the more commonplace events for his return to golf, rather than turning one of its most honored events into the latest offering from P.T. Barnum and Company!

Until next time and especially during this year's Masters, go out to your favorite course and hit 'em long and straight!