THIS IDIOTIC GOLF VIEWER VIGILANTISM NEEDS TO STOP!

by Doug McAllister

Regardless of how you feel about the outcome of last week's PGA Championship, I hope you would agree that one thing needs to change. It's time for golf to rule out all of this nonsense golf vigilantism that occurs.

What am I talking about? It seems that the whole issue of Dustin Johnson's supposedly grounding his club in a bunker arose as a result of a phone call from a television viewer. That's right! Some idiot armchair golfer watched what happened and called the PGA to report the "hellish" infraction. And this isn't the first time. There have been numerous situations where viewers, supposedly working to insure the integrity of the game of golf and its rules, have called in and reported possible problems to golf rules officials. It happened when Stewart Cink supposedly improved his lie when competing with Ted Purdy. It happened when Paul Azinger supposedly created a stance by raking his shoes back an forth and disturbed a few offended pebbles. It happened when Craig Stadler supposedly created a stance in a difficult lie under a tree by putting a towel down to keep from soiling the knees of his trousers. In each case some nitwit called in to report each damnable breach of the rules. Mark me! It has happened before and, unless something is done about it, it will happen again!

But hold the phones! First off, where is the number to call? How on earth do people get an inside line to the PGA's ear — like a personal Batphone! — during some of the most important tournaments and heated competitions of the year? Why don't I have that number? Why don't you have that number? (Oh...you do have that number? WELL, WHY DON'T I?) But I'm seriously off track!

With all of that in mind, isn't it time for the PGA to simply turn off their phones during such a contest? Why not just decide that mistakes at all levels will be made? Why not make it a rule that what happens on the course has to be dealt with on the course?

What would the world of sports be like if hundreds of viewers were allowed to call in and tattle on this misstep or that one. I can see it now: "I don't think the runner tagged up on that pop fly, better look at the tapes." or "On my giant home theater television screen, you can clearly see that the football didn't break the plane of the goal line. Better review a replay." Yeah, I'm nuts to even bring this up.

But what about golf. Why is it that the PGA listens to the crazies that call in? As just noted, shouldn't it be that golf officials need to be the ones calling their own game? It's a safe bet that the PGA officials walking with Dustin Johnson on Sunday would have missed the call just as Dustin did and things would be a lot more peaceful this morning.

I suggest that the world of golf turns off its collective phones during events like this. Golfers will make mistakes. Sure. Rules officials will make mistakes. Even better. The tiny-minded pygmies who pride themselves on being the vigilantes that brought down Dustin Johnson and others will just have to deal with it. Golf will be a more realistic sports experience for everyone.

And to get the ball rolling, I've included here a possible script for the message that will play when someone calls in, hot to bring down the next unfortunate player. Imagine the sweetest Barbie Doll voice reading the following:

"Thank you for calling the PGA of America. We know that you have just seen a possible rules violation on TV and are wetting your pants to tell one of our rules experts about it. Goody for you! We appreciate your extreme love for the rules of the game and want to extend you an important message: PLEASE DON'T BOTHER US AGAIN AND GET A LIFE, IDIOT! Thank you, so much, for your call."

Until next time, I'm Doug McAllister for the This For Birdie Blog. Be sure to hit 'em long and straight and, please, leave golf officiating to the on-site golf officials!